Just then, the drugs began to take hold… And suddenly, I felt nothing.

chundy:

“I read a statistic that said Syracuse has the highest incident of date rape of any university…which weirdly went way down the year you graduated.”

#GPOY

ADAM: “I dont like it when you talk to me that way.”

HANNAH: “No i dont like talking to you that way,ok? I just want to be          sweet to you.”

#GPOY

I came here to say that i don’t think we should see each other anymore… and it makes me feel stupid and pathetic to get a picture of your dick that i know was meant for someone else, and you didn’t even bother to explain because I made you think that you don’t have to explain…”

“And I don’t even want a boyfriend, so…I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I’m the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me.  And it makes me feel very stupid to tell you this because it makes me sound like a girl who wants to, like, go to brunch…”

“And also, i don’t want a picture of your dick, because I live very near you, so if you wanted me to look at your dick, I could just come over and look at your dick. And I dont really see you hearing me and i dont really see you changing, so i just summed it up for you. And im sorry i didnt figure it out sooner and you must think I’m even stupider than you thought i was already. But consider it a testament to your charms because you might not know this, but you are very, very charming and I really care about you. And i don’t want to anymore, because it feels too shitty for me. So i’m gonna leave…”

—Hannah Horvath, GIRLS “Hannah’s Diary”

wallerwangd:

Don’t text him back

Girls, 2012

Im nervous.

I have to go into my former work today at the request of HR. ive been by in the past, gladly most of the time, but this trip will be different. Now i KNOW there will be a handful of people who think im a crazy, lying lunatic, and thats hard to swallow. I, fortunately, got one person back on my team after i sent him screen shots of texts PROVING that I wasnt the one lying in the situation. But as for everyone else, what they think has to be thought of as truth. I cant spend my life proving everyone wrong, telling them my own personal weakness and trials, just to gain their approval. I cant put my energy into trying to clear my name, bc whatever anyone thinks now, they will continue to think, despite my best efforts. 

If u asked me 4 months ago if i thought this would ever happen, i would have said a firm no, and been slightly confused by the question. If u asked me 3 months ago if i thought anyone but me and him would know my darkest secrets, i’d say angrily no. Because its private. Those were mine and i trusted him. And now, look at my life: My God damn deepest shit is smeared all over town… it hurts. I try never to think about it. Its all part of the positive channeling process. 

There is no question that this person wronged me. That he’s delusional in his own right. That he couldnt handle the idea of being an adult and dealing with adult concepts. There is no arguing that. But someday it’ll hit him, that overwhelming surge of Catholic guilt and then he’ll understand how i felt, and not a moment sooner. That’s the thing about, God - Life - Karma, its funny like that. 

It’s always on the precipice of sleep, that point between dream and wake; i can feel you. Your stale breath on my skin, the smell of unwashed sex on your body. I’m intoxicated with it. But I come to my senses, you begin to slip away, and as i reach out, i find myself alone. in a dark room. wondering when i’m going to forget the way your green eyes looked beyond mine and into my soul… 

Today was fucked up. One minute im thinking about building my resume and night plans, the next im being IM’d and getting some of the worst fucking information ive ever gotten. A switch flips, i cant breathe. PANIC ATTACK. Its now confirmed that he is going around telling people i’m delusional and a liar. I cant believe it. I’m in shock. The only thing i can do is go to my balcony and chain smoke cigarettes, wondering “why?”. I cant understand him. I cant. I keep trying. I do. I want to understand so bad. I want to justify his behavior. Telling the girls he was fucking behind my back that i’m a delusional, crazy bitch, i get that. Its not less fucked up, but its a human response to want to save face. He saved 1 of 2, so bravo for him. Standing ovation even. 

I’ve moved on. Of course i still think about it. The nightmares still haunt me, but i let it go. But not today. Today it was like we both still worked together and i just found out…. it was like someone hit me as hard as they could in the chest. Does he really think i’m just a liar? Does he just want everyone else to? Does that make him feel like less of a villain?? I have every text. I have every email. All of which proves that it is only HIM that is the liar in all of this. Deny deny deny. Its an interesting strategy. But when I have texts and emails acknowledging that he KNEW i wasnt lying. That he SAID he loved me. That he said he was SORRY. That explained WHY he did what he did. Texts from me in a hysterical state telling him to lie about whatever he wants when i’m gone… I just dont get it. Does he THINK I would just let people think i’m a liar. I guess the real question is, why do i even care??? I guess i just HATE the thought of him getting away with it. Living his perfect life, while i have to live with the drama, the emotional pain, the loss, the nightmares, and being pointedly tagged as the “delusional liar.” 

There’s a part of me that hopes he reads this. So he knows I dont give a SHIT about him. That the only thing that bothers me is i know and loved a person who has his same outer shell, but hasnt been seen in months?? Where is that person? Who is this lying, vindictive, emotionless human that now resides in his body? in his apartment? Im unwilling to accept that he didnt exist. I have the emails, texts, voicemails, memories that prove he did. I miss him. i do not miss this person he is now. I dont know that person. how could i care? 

I keep waiting for this piece of art to fall out of my fingertips and onto the page, but i’m so scared to allow it. Im scared to let myself be vunerable, bc writing is a lot like dating. You let that person inside of you, the real you, and all the secrets you have pour out bc you feel safe. Its just you, the keys, and a blank computer screen. But i’ve done this before, and i was hurt. bad.

And it seems like it never ends. The amount of drama this guy creates is uncanny. I dont read your shit. I dont go by your street, actually I go out of my way to avoid it like the fucking plague. I dont ask about you, nor does anyone tell me. Mostly because i really dont care. I pretend you dont exist bc the person i love doesnt. You do, and YOU are a terrible person. I hope you read this and get that overwhelming anxiety feeling that wells up in you bc you think i’m such a terrible, dangerous person. I waited weeks to be served after you threatened me. I lawyered up with the best one money can buy, bc frankly, my parents are wealthy, and unlike YOU my parents know every single detail of our story and not some made up half truths you seem to be shoving down everyone’s throat. So go ahead and print out a copy of this for your records. My lawyer has every email, picture, and text you have ever sent me. Ill make sure I “cc” him on this as well. He won’t be happy, I’m sure, but i dont care. You know me, nothing is private. I refuse to let you smear my name. I refuse to let you think you can hurt me ever again. 

You are my biggest disappointment. You are my biggest mistake. You are my biggest regret. You are a fake. Nobody will ever know you bc you dont even know yourself, and for that, i feel sorry for you. 

I feel like I’m in a really shitty comedy film sometimes. You keep waiting for it to get funny, but it never does. Its mostly just a lot of cringing and giggles here and there. I just want to not feel this crushing weight on my chest right now… Just have to remember it’ll pass. It always does.